As Good as it Gets

Where do I begin?  Feeling melancholy on this day covered by a grey sky. The morning brought peace and solitude that evolved into sadness. When falling into an abyss one can only rely on strength from past experiences to lift you into light again. I like to add a special ingredient, however, that of love.  Love that begins in the womb and although severed at birth, continues to blossom into the most beautiful gift that life has to offer…

Putting your own sorrows aside for those you love warms the heart and feeds the soul.  The mundane tasks of each day become cherished rather than dreaded when done for those you love and bore.  Simple time spent together with our kindred spirits allows my appetite for affection to be nurtured and satiated. 

If this [life as it is] is as good as it gets then I am blessed.  My humble spirit will continue to live on with or without completeness.  For there are so many with so much less I cannot ask for more than I have.  For life has been rough, an adventure, a mystery and divine and so much still remains if my story should have it.  Emptiness resides in the darkest corners, but memories fill the void and a twinkle of hope remains…..something called faith.

But when do mediocrity and complacency fall short? 

Is the quest for a utopia foolish?

Can instant gratifications and short-term gains fill the void the exists in us all? 

When does bliss become constant?  Does it ever?

Sunset taken by my daughter during golf last night.

I can only come back to the same answer. The only answer that is truth, light and love….for some it is enlightenment, others heaven.  Neither is of this world. So we press on and cherish each moment, each smile and each time someone or something exceeds our expectations.  Here's to the hope that love can endure and bring us back together when all is lost. Here's to the dream of a love that can fill all voids and take away pain and loneliness.

I close in gratitude for my beloveds and the sun that has graced this September day.  I shall carry on…

Strong Women

I did not write this, but it is worth a share....

Father of All Creation: Our Father Who Art in Heaven

As I breath in the cool, damp air on this Father's Day morning I reflect back on my once earthly view of Our Heavenly Father and a small smile comes to my lips.  For over 15 years I had everything all wrong.  I am amazed that I survived, though, I admit the journey was an arduous one.  When we put earthly things or people first in our lives there is no hope for love, happiness and balance as the physical world is merely a pebble in our path along the way to our final destination.

When blinded by others with materialism, greed and desire we lose sight of the divine purpose.  Our divine purpose.

For you are my offspring (Acts 17:28)

I knew you even before you were conceived (Jer. 1:4-5)

I chose you when I planned creation (Eph. 1:11-12)

When spiritual purpose is blurry we tend to reach to comfort and understanding in the physical world because it makes more sense.  Addictions become saviors and we find solace in manmade deities.  Taking that leap of faith (believing in the unseen) is far more difficult than supporting what we can touch, hear, and feel each day.

Living a life with God second or third or even last limits any room for spiritual growth including happiness and balance in an imbalanced world.  I was blessed to see this misrepresentation through the help of earth angels and family, but mainly through making many, many mistakes along the way.  I used to be a pessimist and now I am an optimist about time healing all wounds, second chances and the so-called light at the end of the tunnel.

Today, I am happy to share that Our Heavenly Father is first in my life and everything seems to fit into place with more ease.  Nothing comes without pain and suffering, however, but the grace that is available to us appears more readily as we make the shift to our divine purpose. 

So on this Father's Day I give most humble thanks to my heavenly father; for blessing me with the gift of life and for a loving earthly father. My prayers continue to those who have not found a relationship with Him for they could experience more joy, love and happiness and their families could be much more unified and fruitful. 

For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him. Colossians 1:16

Seven: Lucky or Not in Recovery and Healing?

This year I cam upon the anniversary of my divorce, a monumental life event, seven years ago in fact.  Some get the "seven year itch" or some just call seven lucky (or unlucky in craps depending on your betting strategy), but as I explored the numeral I found a plethora of startling facts. According to an article by Dawn Young Lang, Upsilon Lambda/Hanover College entitled The Body's Seven Year Renewal, there is a cyclical renewal process that biologists have determined occurs over a seven-year period. The billions of cells in our body are replaced by billions of new cells. It is believed that every seven years we grow a new body and the choices we make impact our cell renewal. For this reason I am thankful for a new chance at life.

Some say it is worse than death, divorce.  At least in death the person is gone;  it is black and white without any shade of grey. Divorce, on the other hand, lingers for a lifetime whether you think it is resolved or not.  It can create positive change, bring new opportunity, hurt many lives, bring financial ruin/chaos, and leave wounds so deep that even time could not heal them.  I know I have permanent scars and there are spaces in my heart that will never be replaced, but I know there is room for more and I look forward to the journey.

As I chaperoned my son's eighth grade party I was warmly asked by another mother to join her at lunch.  She introduced herself and immediately I recognized her name.  It was my next door neighbor pre-divorce.  I actually wasn't divorced then, but the reason we moved was the beginning of the end. (reference: www.selfgrowth.com: Maintaining Relationships with Incarcerated Parents)  What matters most is the fact that seven years after my divorce was final I can happily say that life is leveling out and it took my reunion with Pam to prove it.  I am blessed.  About five years ago I began a humbled life of simplicity with a special person after years of turmoil and my children are adjusted and happy, which is what matters most (to me).  I know some people (continue to) put themselves first and the effects of divorce unfortunately weigh heavy on our youth because of it. 

Let me tell you about my neighbor...I'll call her Pam, and her son and my son were best buddies at the very young age of three.  They went to different elementary schools, but were in the same middle school and have reconnected again after many years. She sat down with me and we caught up quickly the eleven years that had passed. Truly amazing how the decade drifted by! It was full of change for me including divorce and remarriage.

We both built our homes in 2001 and I had to put mine up for sale in 2002 when my husband lost his job.  I was forced back to work and had to drive to Troy from Northville every day or I was traveling to Baltimore, MD.  Pam shared a memory I did not recall simply because I was working and she was fortunate to remain at home.  She told me my son called her "Mommy" when I was not around.  I almost cried.  In the past I cried easily at the memories of those arduous years and the pain we all went through, but I surprised myself and recovered quickly this time.  My strength has been building each day and though I come to tears often in church (my daughter calls me out all the time) I can speak of the past with melancholy reflection knowing the wisdom we have all gained and the adversity that we overcame to rebuild our lives.

We found that we had friends in common mainly through our children, but that's what life is about right?  Enjoying and sharing with those whom you have things in common with.  I don't understand those who choose to live a life of solitude devoid of relationships that could enhance your own life and create wonderful memories.  I could feel the past coming full circle in a peaceful way. Odd how many years can seem like only days.

Our conversation sadly came to a close when the event concluded and we shared a warm embrace.  It felt so comforting and reassured me that all was well and anything that happened in the past was certainly the past.  As in yoga, the words "present moment" come to mind, i.e., to let go of the past and not worry about the future focusing only on the moment at hand.    Savor the things in front of you in the here and now for today could be your last. Heed the mantra:

I am Present in this Beautiful Moment.

I am Here.

I am Now.

I am the Awareness.

I am the Breath.

So, I suppose those seven years post-divorce allowed me to grow in not only faith, but in love.  The seven-year cycle is most aligned with traditional Chinese medicine dating to 1500 BC, which believes that natural and normal health changes occur at regular seven-year intervals. In my own seven year cycle I acquired the ability to love after pain and love through pain, which can still exist in daily life unfortunately. I realize the love I left, a love that may never be found again, but am open to new love in many forms. One thing remains, what I made out of love - my children.  For their faces, smiles and laughter bring new growth to my heart in healing and recovery.  Without them, I would be lost and weak. Thank you, God.

Breaking Bread with an Angel

Today was not unlike any other day, however, spontaneity was at its finest!  As I completed my first stop of the day, a routine visit at the dentist I have been going to for over 40 years, I felt my car being drawn like a magnet back into the quaint city of Plymouth, MI, when home was in the opposite direction. 
On a special occasion my late grandmother, Louise, and I often found ourselves sharing chit chat and quiche at a cozy cafe that was named just that....The Cozy Cafe!  The entrance was adorned with flowers, which only led to a more botanical theme on the inside with murals of gardens on every wall, curtains vibrantly decorated with pears and vines and friendly servers bustling around. The wooden chairs brought back memories of an ice cream parlor with their rounded backs and long legs.
I don't recall ever eating outside with my grandmother, but today was a cool 80 degrees so I opted for a patio table with a view of a cigar lounge and a candy shop.  Quite the eclectic array of retail indeed!  If I had chosen the inside I would have been accompanied by a matriarchal  audience dressed in sweaters to keep warm from the tempered climate.
On the patio I tried to get comfortable in an iron chair with no cushion.  The warmth of the sun created a cozy feeling even outside the Cozy Cafe as I awaited my Eggs Benedict.  
The city was a haven for motorcyclists, especially Harley Davidson's and even the hum of a bike passing by was comforting. On the contrary, music softly played overhead and as nostalgic as lunch with my grandmother was, my first wedding song was not. it quickly passed as if something were blocking any feelings associated with it.  Perhaps the angel I was dining with created an ethereal bubble of peace for our visit.
I had an old gift card from one of our last dining excursions and it wasn't reading properly so instead of throwing it away, I kept it for another dose of nostalgia as I'm not sure I will ever go there again  now that my cherished grandmother has departed. It has been less than a year and almost each day something brings her to my mind or heart. As I gaze across my desk at her picture I smile. And sigh.  I think I'll save the next time we break bread for when we are both angels....then again, perhaps I'll take my daughter there someday.

What Makes a Day Special?

The morning began on a somber note, but with each passing minute the day blossomed with new life. Love was all encompassing leaving only feelings of lightness, solitude and grace as I settle into the night. As I reflect...

...the grey skies accompanied me on my pilgrimage to the hospital, the cool rain gently kissed my cheeks.  What greeted me then was a peaceful life and the presence of kinship.  Time passed and suddenly normalcy set in and laughter abound.  Hearts were lighter leaving than when they arrived; morning ended and afternoon came.

When schedules are shifted and spontaneity prevails one must savor the moment and look for the signs.  The signs that offer a new perspective, a glance at what would not have been, a moment in time that became nostalgic. Treasure the day, the hour, the moment.

As the clouds broke open and light poured down onto the day, life flourished and thrived.  The vibrant garnet cardinal gingerly watched on as the wildlife sifted through seeds and replenished themselves with the days precious gift from above.  

One week past the resurrection offered hope and anticipation of new beginnings and second comings.  The vigilant preparation for a gathering of youthful scholars concluded as afternoon ended and evening followed.    

Angels sang and left many with lighter hearts than when they arrived.  In a cynical world the union of faith and love created an evening of invincible prowess.  Evening ended and nighttime followed. 

What made this day special?

What made this day different?

When the choir sang J - E - S - U - S is the W - A - Y!

What's in YOUR Wallet?

Ever been to a shower (bridal or baby) and they break out the games?  Did you ever have the purse scavenger hunt?  They have a list of odd items like bobby pin, lipstick, pen, aspirin, etc. Some women have the giant satchel and others just a wallet so they obviously lose.

Well, what if you only had that wallet....do you have anything special in it?  I bet you might have photos of special people or your kids or perhaps some business cards.  Since I am quite nostalgic (I'd like to call it that and not superstitious) I have things like fortunes from fortune cookies, frequent buyer cards, a small drawing from my daughter and then I have a small piece of paper, actually a Dale Carnegie post-it, with the following on it:

May I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.

~Buddhist Loving Kindness Meditation

I suppose it is a good mantra for any day and a reminder of how to treat ourselves.  For we need all of those things (kindness, peace and happiness) in order to offer them to others.  It should probably be plastered on my bathroom mirror since peace is a daily quest.  Often people or circumstances prevent us from the peace and love we deserve, but we need reminders like these to persevere.  God wants us to be happy and rejoice!  We just need to remember this with each breath and each footstep.

If that verse was the only thing in your wallet, I'd say you are the winner!

 For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” ~ Isaiah 41:13

Promise to Keep

On August 25, 2012 I sat down at 4:30pm to write to my grandmother.  I have always been a writer in some capacity and I promised her I would continue.  At 4:35pm she died.  That morning I lit a candle in my yoga session for her and it seemed to burn longer than usual.  Often I have an intention (thought or prayer) when I step onto my mat and that day it was Louise.  My beautiful daughter even comforted me that morning telling me not to cry that day since I had been crying often as we awaited the inevitable.
The call came and even though I had four kids in the house (two of mine and two of their friends) I told them I was going to say my last goodbye.  I practically ran over a bike left out in the driveway (that's a entirely new story about my 11-year-old that cannot ride yet) not being used to the backup camera in my new SUV.  All I could think of was the time my other grandmother passed away and my father got caught speeding on his way to see her.  He had a police escort when the officer learned of the situation.  I, on the other hand, made it the whole mile that it was safely.
The life that left her frail body was left grey and cold.  The arduous journey (a week with no food or water) had ended and the blush of color had disappeared forever.  When we learned of her small stroke I was already on a family vacation and my heart sank.  I had taken the kids to visit her just a few days prior since we were taking my son to a fine arts camp that my grandmother first helped with the year before.  As I look back on that visit I remember how much my children did not have in common with her at the end.  She spoke of the music theaters in the parks as we spoke of current day music concerts and the children were bored silly.  They were polite as usual and our visit was brief, but it was the most awkward visit we ever had. Perhaps it was a sign of things to come.
I always enjoyed my alone time with her as we played cards (mostly cribbage) and had tea.  Her favorite: Constant Comet.  I would share my writing and update her on the all of the kids and she would tell me about the ladies in her community. She always remembered the details of my very new second marriage.  We will always share the bond of having the same anniversary.
As we returned from our vacation she was still hanging on.  I feared I would not see her again alive, but I'm not sure if what I came home to was the memory I wanted my children to have.

Before we arrived home my step-son and his fiancee had visited her in the hospital.  It brought tears to my eyes.  They barely new her, but it meant so much to my entire family.  Within the hour of our arrival home we were all at her bedside.  She had been a huge part of our family!  She really wasn't coherent so I stayed behind and I let the family return home.  I played my son's concert recording from camp for her and I prayed that she could hear the music.  She was so interested in it and proud of all the kids and what they did.  I suppose not unlike any other grandparent.
I returned again for another visit, but came late one night at 11pm.  I just didn't want her to be alone, but from what I am learning, sometimes people just want to be alone at that time.  I didn't want to lose my granny, though. My heart was breaking. She was sleeping, but then the Hospice nurses came in to turn her and they blasted the light.  I felt so bad that they stirred her when she was so peaceful.  When they left with the light on her eyes lock on mine for what seemed like eternity when it was more like ten seconds. I felt her gaze pierce through my soul.  And then she was gone.  Back to her unconscious land of unrest, but still lingering in our world.  So, I read to her and we prayed.  I described  the teddy bears she loved so much that were surrounding her. I'm sure they all had special meanings, but only she held those answers.
I'm not sure how closure comes, but then again I'm not sure I want it to.  My grandmother inspired me with her wit, tenacity, faith and intellect.  My children were 13 and just shy of 11 when she passed and I know they will always remember her.  As I compare her life span with that of my grandfather, her husband, they both lived 96 years. Just six apart.  They lived through the depression and countless technological advances including the TV, computer, microwave and push button phones. I even saved her first email to me dated February 1, 2012: "dear mari i'll lookforward to you too, perhaps we can play cribbage. xo" She was an eloquent writer of notes, but her arthritis limited her use of the computer mouse.
I think in some instances there is no need for closure if love was the basis of the relationship.  I will not dwell on my loss, but revel and smile at warm thoughts she brings me. Like when I wear her shoes or sweater or when I open up her peacock jewelry box each day or when I see many of the artifacts she left behind becoming a part of my home.   The best thing is the parking spots she brings me! Yes, parking spots!  She always said just "image" the spot before you get there and now I get one every time!  My daughter does it, too!
Thank you grandma for everything!  For having my mother, for teaching me many a game, for praying for me each and every day, for your inspiration to stay healthy physically and mentally and so much more! I look forward to the day that we can play cribbage once again.  I love you! Now I just need someone else to find my writing as interesting as you did!

The Beginning

As Julie Andrews once sang as she sat on a beautiful mountain top in Austria in The Sound of Music, "let's start from the very beginning, a very good place to start", I couldn't agree more! This is truly my fourth blog and I am devoting it to pure writing just like my first one.  The second time around I changed my original (Northville Domino) to a jewelry blog (JK with MJ) for a direct selling business.  The third, which is still very current and active, is for my yoga business (mj-yoga).
I promised  my grandmother, Louise Carol Storm Kesleay, who just passed last year at 96, that I would continue my writing.  I was writing, or journaling, the day she passed and I have had writer's block ever since.  At least for some truly inspiring content.  I journal frequently to my children and even to my grandmother, but the beginning of this new year has brought a clearer focus to my inner thoughts.  Or, at least they are back to spinning wheels like a vortex or chakra, illuminating energy radiating outward through the spokes.
Just yesterday I was scanning my bookshelves and noticed a book called The Shack by Paul Young; a book which I loved and cannot put down!  I think my entire family read it, too!  I thought to myself how many books are there on not only my own shelves, but others that have been unread, enjoyed perhaps more than once or have been forgotten. Books take us on journeys that we often never will in our lives and it is this fantasy or simple entertainment that we pay for.  We desire the need to be taken away form our daily grind and everyday lives, but then I thought about a quote I also saw a verse saying something about being happy with our lives instead of trying to run away from them (like on a vacation).
My own father cannot escape daily stress without being on vacation or on his bicycle.  The bicycle is the only thing that he does not have to leave town for that brings him peace.  Or, you will find him on a live-aboard dive boat off the coast of Fiji each  year at age 67. Even though he enjoys his reading (right down to historical biographies to the Reader's Digest) his utopia cannot be found locally.  Take him 100 feet below see level and across a continent or two and there, he has found his peace.  I often worry about him on these extravagant trips, but I know he is in a good place for him.
Like in The Shack, there is a simple cabin that turns out to be a good place. A magical place that takes you on a journey through life offering new and life changing circumstances. Do these pages of literature gives us the inspiration we need to change our sorrowful lives? I gaze again at my shelves and find The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.  Where do I begin?  I read this masterpiece two or maybe three times.  The author encourages you to choose a partner or group to hold you accountable for each daily reading or chapter.  I shared it with some very special people and each time I processed the information differently.  It truly depends on your life at the time and where you are spiritually.
To ensure there are no misconceptions of the content of my bookshelves I have to share that others stacked high and low consist of such various titles: Mocking Jay, Fifty Shades Freed, Mandela, Chakra Meditation, The Complete Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway, The Alchemist and so many more!
So this is certainly a beginning for me, but not one of pure organization. The books that I love so much just stood out and prompted me to get back in the game!  That promise to my grandmother has been on my mind daily and her mother once wrote under the name "Stormy", thus my title's inception. I suppose my true beginning will begin with her, Louise.  I will make it blog post number two so there is a clear separation from my rambling.